When you build a better mousetrap, suddenly the price of cheese increases

It wasn't that many years ago when, if they had made telephone solicitation an Olympic event, you'd have found only Americans at the medals podium. Not sure when it happened, Union Sundown and all that, but at some point we stopped making stuff in this country. That didn't mean we stopped trying to sell it to one another, as a matter of fact we had more time to work on the pitching of the product.

Remember how stupid it used to get with your home phone? I'll bet half or more of the calls I took were for sales spiels on switching long distance carriers and for time-shares in places I'd never heard of (thus dimming the luster of a 'golden opportunity' at least to me). Caller ID became the best idea I ever bought and when I saw 'out of area' I didn't pick up. Except, as I discovered, the phone number for my mother-in-law in Germany also showed up like that which meant a moment of indecision before either speaking German or learning about how I could have the joys of Encyclopaedia Brittannica in my own home for just pennies every day (did anyone on earth ever learn the actual TOTAL cost of the set? Not me, that's for sure).

Then came the National Do Not Call Registry, in theory a wonderful and rather effective idea with just enough wiggle room so that anyone who claims to be conducting a survey (to include people who really are conducting a survey) as well as folks who tell you they were hired to raise money for your local Police Benevolence Association (though your PD has no idea these folks are out there and, by the way, they keep upwards of 90% of what they collect) can still ring you because they aren't, technically, 'for profit' operations.

Not only can they call you but anyone running for office can, and will, call usually to play one of those pre-recorded messages from either another politician or a celebrity on why, if I'm out tonight and I'm on my bike, I should wear white and vote as they do. More or less. But for the most part, the call volume has dropped except....

In recent weeks, and if you have an answering machine it shows up on there and makes for a weird message, the phone rings and you answer and a pre-recorded voice tells you 'today is the last day to lock in a low rate' on something or other and to press one for more details (there's NEVER a number to press for less details). I was so angry at what was, to me, clearly a breach of the Do Not Call registry that I couldn't wait to get a rep on the line after depressing 'one' to find out what was going on.

And here's where I could never be enough of an attorney to help review a city charter (and not be a part of a charter review committee, a semantic sleight of hand we engaged in just last week here in the Rose City). When I got the rep on the phone who wanted my phone number, I demanded to know the name of the company involved as my next call would be to the Federal Trade Commission to report them for a violation of the Do Not Call Registry. Bold as brass, smooth as silk and smiley as all get out, the voice on the line would explain that technically, they hadn't called me....after all, I had depressed 'one' on the touch pad to reach them. Hoist by my own petard.

My choices are to revert to staring at the caller ID box and when 'out of area' is in the window, going about my business elsewhere in the house, or reaching for the air horn, "pressing one" and waiting for the scream. Not that I think anyone should choose the low road or opt to be a horn instead of a light. But, sometimes the temptation is great. Perhaps I should blame Alexander Graham Bell. If he'd just stuck to inventing the cracker, all those wild herds of Bakelite would still be roaming the pampas, unfettered and free. Press Zero at anytime to speak to a customer representative. Go ahead, we dare you.
-bill kenny