Thursday, February 20, 2014

Contains less than the Minimum Daily Allowance of (insert your taboo here)

I keep odd hours, which if you know me is not as surprising as I might like, since I am an odd person. I have a routine, when the weather isn't so goofy that it gets all goobered up involving me hitting my local fitness center (I still think "gym" but I have a hole in my checking account where payments to a fitness center are from) during the oh-bright-early hours, physically punishing myself in the belief that what does not kill me (immediately) makes me strong (eventually) undeterred by any evidence to support any part of that theory.

From the fitness center I head to work, arriving on average about seventy-five minutes before the people for whom I work pay me for that privilege, and then churn and burn until whatever time the stuff that needed to get done is done. But since they stop paying me at three, I tend to take the hint most days and leave around then. It's a quiet life, but pointless. I have discovered to my chagrin I am nearly perfect for it. Finally.

The only problem if that's a good word, is that as a no-longer-a-spring-chicken-staff member, the hours and the routine take a toll on me in terms of stamina and ability to concentrate. At some point, usually mid-morning though there have been days in recent weeks where it was much earlier in the morning and/or also mid-afternoon, I need to recharge in some way other than pouring a cappuccino into my lap.

I've taken to drinking the small 'nips' bottles of energy drinks. They contain about two ounces which supplies the energy 'equivalent to a cup of premium coffee' it says on the side of the container though I've not quite grasped who developed the equivalence chart, the definition of premium coffee or how I feel about it. Perhaps ambivalent?

I'm pretty sure, based on the taste and aroma, the energy drinks are actually JP-40 and paint thinner (for color) with a fake sugar (sorry, artificial sweetener) added for taste (and lack of). They work, from personal experience, as well as you, the consumer, believe they do, but no more and possibly no less.

I noticed yesterday the 'pure as the driven snow' bandwagon of ingredients for random products we mindlessly consume has had to make room for energy drinks as I came across this proud announcement on the sleeve of the packaging at the neck of the itty-bitty bottle.


Why anyone at anytime would ever feel the need to share with me that whatever this stuff is, it's both 'lactose free' and 'gluten free' amazes me. I am reasonably sure if you set it on fire, Red Adair himself would not be able to put it out so the printed assurances about freedoms not covered under the Bill of Rights strikes me as more marketing than medical.

But while we're at it, how about proclaiming how it's also Ibogaine-free or insect body parts-free or "contains absolutely NO rat hair!" Yes sir, buddy! Get that old sales graph jumping like it just had a cup of premium coffee.

Of course we'd need a thicker bottle neck to fit all of the disclaimers on the package wrapper. I'm already tired just thinking about it and you have already guessed what I'm reaching for next.
-bill kenny

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