Stop Worrying about Shopping Days

Never mind the calendar or the circulars in this morning's paper. Yeah, it's the Second Sunday of Advent, which means how many more shopping days (I'm no better at subtraction than I am at long division) until Santa Claus is born? The link says this is the Sunday of Peace-I suspect ONLY if you don't have a mall and a COSTCO near you.

I'm no longer worried as I'm on to a bigger countdown. And even though this is the time of year I should be putting the credit cards in the freezer to cool them, not this year-because with a little luck the light at the end of the tunnel will be (finally!) an oncoming train. For those down in the mouth about the lack of job growth, crushing national debt and the world of crazies out to get us that seems to be having a membership drive, rejoice and kick back.

Did you buy a 2011 calendar yet from one of the temporary joints in the local mall? I know, sixteen bucks for Taylor Swift or Kittens in a Blender or an official San Francisco Giants datebook. Here's the funny part, we're NOT even gonna need the whole thing!

According to We Can Know.com (I resisted the temptation to download their toolbar; I ain't here on business, babe, I'm only here for fun) and circle the date, they figured out that Jesus is returning on May 21, 2011. Ayup, one hundred and sixty-seven days from now (one day sooner if you're reading this in Guam or anyplace on the other side of the International Date Line) and it's time to put out the Big Light. Those holding out for a leap year and one more day, well, better luck next--hang on, we won't be able to say that, I guess.

Just in time to save some big bucks at the holidays. All those electronic gifts I'm getting folks that come with those ninety day guarantees? I'm skipping the extended warranties you buy at the check-out. I won't need 'em! By the time the coffee-by-the-cup brewer starts behaving like a barissta on crack, it's Rapture Time! And who cares if your LG Blu-Ray DVD player is on the frizz-the Lord Is Come, dude, and you will definitely have more to worry about than watching Narnia.

It's more or less an all your eggs in one basket situation if you think about it. If all of this End of the World As We Know It and I Feel Fine stuff actually happens on the 21st of May, there's going to be some very long faces at Citibank and American Express because, and you can do what you want, I'm not making that monthly payment and I'll bet I won't be alone. What are they going to do?

There's a bumper sticker, but I'm not sure if putting it on your car is analogous to the blood of the lamb on the doorjambs of the Israelites in the Land of the Pharaoh or if we announce your license plate, you have ten minutes to call us here at K-MOO Mineola where you could be a winner in our grand prize drawing radio contest. The Lord moves in mysterious ways, and I'm not sure buying billboards to tell us when He's coming back is part of that whole mysterious ways package or not.

Now, if it happens that IT doesn't happen, I'm thinking we should start now to get our stories straight for those explanations to the credit card companies. I'm telling you, those penalties for missed payments will make you yearn for the Red Sea to just swallow you up.
-bill kenny