Child of the Novelty

I've finally found a use for one piece of the wireless phone wizardry that has become so essential in my life, as well as in yours. What did we do before we had cell phones? I honestly don't remember so it must have been horrible. Will Verizon or T-Mobile help pay for the therapy I may need to recover those memories? Inquiring minds want to know.

I talk to myself. I have probably done this since I was old enough to start forming words (forming thoughts is a bit trickier; I'm still working on that). Not sure exactly why, maybe it's the only way I've ever found to make my point (aside from here, of course).

Please understand, I'm not thinking about a conversation I have had or am going to have. I am talking out loud, and taking all the parts in the conversation, complete with the accents and intonations of those with whom I am (nearly) speaking.

I'm not even aware I do this until I look up behind the wheel in traffic, and realize there's someone in another vehicle staring at me with wide eyes and a wary heart. I can't very well roll down my window and, in the three point five seconds I have until the signal changes and we all drive away, explain that I am not crazy and it's not what it looks like and even if it is, I'm not crazy-or did I already mention that I'm not crazy? And off they go....Damn!

But now, I have my face saver or should I say ear ring(er)?
When CT passed that "hands free while driving" cell phone law that nobody pays any attention to (we only obey the laws we like. Helps explain the increases in ethical improprieties and sexual peccadilloes) my son got me a blue tooth earpiece. You know the device I mean: it looks a check mark that a left handed person might make if we didn't make them use the one right-handed people use.
I always feel it makes me look like a walk-on in one of the Star Trek TV shows, just not sure which one (and I never rate a speaking part-maybe that's one of the reasons I talk to myself?).
I am not a big fan of these things since they feel and look goofy and I need so little help in either of those departments to start with.

Most of the time, I can't figure out how to answer the phone when I have the thing in my ear, or, conversely, how to hang up when I'm done. Compounding the problem may be that I often forget to turn the earpiece or the phone on, or can't find one or the other (or both). You can't use the earpiece with a toaster oven or a Palm Pilot and you can yell 'HELLO!' at the satellite radio receiver all day but the cell phone will continue to ring. (You do not need to ask how I would know this, okay?)

I just found the earpiece which I had mislaid so long ago I didn't even realize what it was or what it did when I first saw it (my Christopher Columbus impersonation).
As it turns out, I found it at work ('see,' I said to my wife, 'I told you I hadn't lost it.' ).

It's (probably) not charged since that soft blue glow they have while working doesn't come on no matter how often or hard I push the little silver gizmo (all the while saying (out loud, of course), 'don't die, Tinkerbell, don't die!') which is just as well since I'm pretty sure I left the cell phone at home in the living room (perhaps). I'm thinking it's uncharged rather than broken because when could I have broken it? I didn't know where it was.

But now, it doesn't need to be charged, ever.
I just used it and it was perfect for my new purpose. I put it in my right ear as I set off on a quick walk from my office to where I needed to be for a meeting that wasn't (they called to tell me it was cancelled but I didn't answer my cell phone when they rang). Sure enough, from the glances passers-by were giving me, I was (obviously) talking aloud to myself but.......this time, no one was staring because, ta-da!, with the Star Trek blue tooth doo-dad in my ear, they thought I was on the phone. Now I look like the other six billion here on the ant farm.
Beam me up, Scotty, or if you can, take everybody else and leave me here.
-bill kenny
PS: Just noticed sometimes there's an advert on the top of the page-a moment ago it was for a product to help people "loose (sic) weight". Somewhere, a Literacy Volunteer weeps......