Apply cold compresses of crisp $20 bills and call me in the morning

We are a lot of things to a lot of people--the last great nation on earth, the shining city on the hill, the land of unbounded opportunities.....and, as we see everyday in the newspapers, a bigger and bigger pinata for people to whack and pick up the money that falls on the ground. Where there once accidents, unforeseen chains of events, simple twist of fate and Acts of God, there's a cosmic conspiracy and we're the victim. And someone will pay-someone must pay. Money fixes everything, except that hole in your heart where the values used to be--but don't worry, we'll find somebody to pay for that. We always do.

When I was a kid and you got hurt playing in a neighbor's backyard, you waited in your room until Doctor Alice Tyndall could see you (oh yeah, I'm so old, I grew up in an era when doctors made house calls, everyday. I know, sounds incredible-but it's true and they did, they really did.) and she'd check out the clean-up job Mom did on the cuts and scrapes (and Moms stayed home and Dads went to work, often on trains and they worked for the same company for decades or until they retired and when they retired they moved to Florida) and the next day, you were all better and went back out and played ball or tag in somebody else's yard again. Lather, rinse and repeat-but without the shampoo.

Something really bad had to happen before Dad decided to 'call the lawyer'. And as kids, you didn't have much of an idea what the adults were up to with 'the attorney' but you knew it was serious, because lawyers and courts were serious business.

Now, here in the Air Age, we have lawyers on speed dials and call them almost constantly. Ironically, and to me, paradoxically, we also have a very poor opinion of most lawyers, actually of most other lawyers--our lawyer we find to be a good person, for the most part, who works hard and fights hard to win. The other side hires shysters and cheaters-the ones that are always the inspiration for the millions of 'lawyer jokes' that circulate (though probably not in a courthouse, I suspect).

We invoke the law so often it has no sting and we have no fear. It's another Tequila Sunrise-bleh! What kind of drink is this? Quick get my attorney on the line -we'll sue the bartender, the manufacturer of the spirits, the ice-maker, the folks who made the glass and the people who built the bar where we had this drink that has scarred us for life!! We could be persuaded to settle for a million in damages and 2 million for emotional distress. My guy will call your guy and they can do lunch, okay?

It's so routine, so mundane, we have insurance to cover this stuff now and, as I read the other day, if you're a 'Deep Pocket' in a lawsuit, having a battalion of attorneys to do your bidding enables you to settle 'without an admission of guilt' that is cheaper than going to war in the courts and bleeding from the cuts of a thousand tort wounds. Some estimate over fifteen million lawsuits will be filed in state courts this year (that number sounds high-I think it sounds more surreal than real) and more often than not, they are settled and NOT adjudicated.

Innocence and guilt, what we grew up thinking was fundamental to any cause, is not even in the room. Responsibility and consequences went out with high button shoes. Right and wrong are relative (and not related to us, thank goodness) now that lawyers clean up small details when Daddy had to lie. This is the end of the innocence.
-bill kenny