Saturday, June 28, 2008

Paper or Plastic?

Why, when we go to the supermarket, do we walk down the middle of each aisle? Do we really need highway markings and passing zones and such? We're supposed to all be sharing the store though I'm not opposed to the idea of scheduled times to hit the freezer section or the deli. That might actually work out better for all of us so maybe my local grocer can think about that instead of all the surveys they send me via email that want to know how I feel about their new 'we care a lot about you' slogans.

Bless them, all the slogans are swell though they sound like variations of Barry Manilow's Weekend in New England (ironic, I know, considering where the chain is based)--but when you get down to it, we're not going shoe shopping (I can't actually buy shoes in the store though I can buy insoles, socks and foot powder, come to think of it) or walking down the aisle. It's a grocery store not a junior high relationship. How about this: "We Got Food."

You'll need a TV campaign: a spokesperson, lady or man (I don't care), ditto for age and double ditto for race--wearing one of those open-necked shirts with your store's logo on it and the spokesperson says something like, "Are you hungry? Are you unable or unwilling to hook your own fish, grow your own fruits and vegetables or kill your own meat? Good News! We have people who do-and did! We've got a store full of food and if you have money, or plastic, you can buy some and take it home to your house and eat it! Stop in and Happy Shopping!'

TV commercials always have a LOT of exclamation points! Especially the ones for groceries. I guess twenty cents off on a bottle of Clamato Juice is a big deal, just not at my house. Not a big enough deal, mind you, that I have to wander down the middle of the aisle oblivious to the other scavengers in the hunt and do that impossible-to-predict complete stop while staring at the Chinese food in a can section of the Ethnic Food aisle before walking off without putting anything in the cart. Lather, rinse, repeat across the whole store.

I watched a woman today stand in the frozen foods aisle, and after staring through the glass doors for at least two minutes, opened one and kept it wide open for five minutes while reading the back of the DiGiorno ultimate pizza box. Thank goodness it wasn't Tolstoy; we'd have all died of frostbite. So my unattractive choices for explaining her behavior are: she was oblivious to the rest of us who had to step around here and her cart, which was sort of cantilevered across from her or she just didn't care. Hmmm....
Did I mention "We Got Food" is still available? Well, sort of......
-bill kenny

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