A Scene from Cassavettes' "Husbands" Comes to Mind

I’m probably worth more in scrap than in ‘real life.’ I have enough manufactured parts in both legs and ankles to set off detectors thus requiring ‘I have an excuse for the noise’ cards I carry in my wallet. I mention that lest you be tempted to partner with me on Dancing with the Stars (jungle rules) or sponsor me for a “walk East until your hat floats” contest.

I have a handicapped placard for the car, even though it is, I believe in fine shape. Thursday by post the State of Connecticut Department of Motor Vehicles (Motto: “Maybe your driver’s license picture seems ugly because you are ugly”) sent me a blank B4126 (Rev 04/11) “Handicapped Unit Special Permit Application and Impairment Certificate.”

The second paragraph causes me to wonder how long we’ve been using English for Runaways as the official business language here in The Nutmeg State. “You are receiving this letter because,” the letter accompanying the form offers, “your lifetime permit will expire soon.” In a panic, I tried to call my cardiologist who this time a year ago was putting stents into my heart’s arteries, to find out how just much time I had before I expired.

No reason to. Turns out the lifetime the state is measuring isn’t mine, but rather that of my driver’s license (which expires at the end of next month; I prefer, if one of us has to go, that it be the license), so lifetime is more a figure of fun than an actual figure of speech. Well-played, CT DMV.

The letter explains it's best to renew the license, fill out Section A (called “Part A” on the form, by the way; just saying) of “To Be Completed by Applicant” and then have your physician (in my case my orthopedist) recertify me in “Part B – Completed by Physician, APRN, Physician’s Assistant, Optometrist, Ophthalmologist, BESB or USVA,” to receive a new handicapped placard.   

I’m concerned to read in the next to last paragraph of the letter, “(a) certification of legal blindness must be completed by an optometrist or an ophthalmologist. (Please note: you cannot have a valid driver's license if the condition is blindness…)”  I’m not sure the DMV sees the unintended (I assume) humor of their reminder, but based on how so many of their license photos turn out, it’s not the only thing they may not be seeing.

-bill kenny