I try to be a half-full glass kind of guy. When I was attempting to embalm myself with alcohol that's how I had the bartender fix my drinks-that way I had room for ice. But on a day, as was the case Tuesday, where a headline, "Suicide Bomber Kills 51 at Army Recruitment Center in Baghdad" disappears under the churn from "Tila Tequila Assaulted with Sex Toys by Clowns..." I'm really tempted to skip the ice and have him leave the bottle.
Talk about bread and circuses, especially since the Insane Clown Posse is already here (how'd you like hundreds of their followers, Juggalos, to get out of the little car in front of your house). I don't put a lot of stock in this 'Apocalypyse Is Now' philosophy, but when I read crap such as this and realize for many, these are the good times, I start to worry about End Times. Am I the only one who's ever thought about holding the next Gathering of the Juggalos in Helmand Province, Afghanistan, so they could square dance and boogaloo with the Taliban who are, by all accounts, the original "I wanna party with you, cowboy' folks?
There is a silver lining (of sorts) in the news reports and I've already called the Pulitzer Prize Posse, a/ka/ the Puggalos, and alerted them to this exquisitely constructed sentence within Chris Parry's Vancouver Sun account, "(A)ccording to witnesses, as soon as Tequila hit the stage, shooting silly string into the crowd, a large banner featuring a four letter word to describe a piece of female anatomy was unfurled." Take that, every other language on earth! I dare you to be that elegant about something so despicably tawdry. (And how much does God hate "Alan" that He makes him Tila's lawyer? Who's his other client, Lyle Menendez?)
That the newshounds at TMZ (Thirty Minute Zone) would have the exclusive video of all of this hullabaloo (and Juggalo, too), is almost parenthetical, nicht wahr? I couldn't figure out why Tila Tequila was (ever) famous and after she took her top off, I had even less of an idea. I'm not sure the Roman Empire had performers of her caliber as those shows at the Colosseum were packing in the plebeians, but from the looks of the video, she'd have lasted all of thirty seconds with one of the lions (to include the entire Detroit front line).
And while I may be mistaken (the video was a little grainy in places other than Tila's tatas), I think I saw Edward Gibbons, in a three piece Paliachi outfit, at the foot of the stage frantically scribbling an update to his classic. Sadly, from what I'm starting to discover about what most of us think is news, it's possible by the time he finishes, there will be no one left who knows how to read.
-bill kenny
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