Is that a Jar Opener in your pocket

I'd always assumed the women I encounter on my way in and out of the gym in the morning for my daily argument with a cross-trainer, were there for the same reason I am: a relentlessly honest full-length mirror. While I have no doubt that exercise will improve my quality of life and enhance my health in measurable and immeasurable ways, I don't like working out and will never like it. Your mileage may vary-mine will not.

I concluded, scanning the gym floor and watching all the stationary bikers, the spinners, rowers and treadmillers (they keep all the weights and the Spanish Inquisition machines in a room around the corner; the acoustics muffle the screams I guess), that while each of us was in the same boat, metaphysically, it was a large ocean.

A visit to the gym is capped everyday, as part of the cool down ritual, with the wiping down of the work-out gear. You've seen the little squeeze pump bottles filled with a mysterious disinfectant solution you spray into former towels now torn into one foot square rags that, after being drenched, are then applied to all the surface areas on the gear, rendering them safe for the next user.

There is no breach of etiquette more egregious in the gym world than NOT wiping down the equipment. Let me hasten to add that last fragment is not a euphemism for anything else especially after reading this.  In light of the reports of coregasms, I am having second thoughts about those Mona Lisa-like smiles I've seen on the faces of some distaff gym visitors.

I've been on thin ice, metaphorically speaking, ever since we got one of those electric jar openers at my house since its presence narrowed precariously the choices of response to the 'why are you hanging around here?' pop quiz question. I studied the MSNBC report on data from the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University (I'm trying to imagine Debby Herbenick and Bobby Knight at a faculty meeting: epic fail), but having reviewed their published findings, I remain impervious to the brilliance of Olivia Newton-John.
-bill kenny