We May Need to Arm Bears

Sometimes your right to bare arms gets in the way of other folks' rights to arm bears, or to steal them while they're small and try to sell/rent the opportunity to pet them.

From the archives and submitted for your review and approval, John Chadwick Montgomery, whose brush with the law is captured here.

I have a lot of questions but the one that jumped out at me was mathematical in nature. That $1 to pet the bear cub, was that a dollar for every pet of the bear cub or was it an all-you-can-pet price? Does the bear cab, Newell, have a bald spot where folks were really taking advantage of the price?

I love the quote from the director of the preserve about Montgomery's behavior, "It almost makes me think he wasn't thinking." Its applicability to a range of behaviors beyond the realm of bear cub napping is nearly universal, I think.

And let's not forget about Lizzy who, it's reported, rushed to the aid of Petey, a fellow capuchin monkey, who was Montgomery's first abduction target. I will admit to some admiration of Montgomery for persevering after getting bitten by Lizzy.

Lizzy ended up with a black eye as a reward for her rescue efforts and I'm inspired to wonder if monkey boxing might be worth considering as part of a new triathlon for the Summer Olympics. Three rounds of monkey-boxing, five minutes of petting a Kodiak bear and two laps around an indoor track with a lion while wearing liverwurst after shave. I'm pretty sure no one will win any medals but the TV ratings should be rock-star spectacular.
-bill kenny