Cheating

This isn't quite what it seems today. Aside from the fact that normally on Mondays, I preview the week's municipal meetings in Norwich, CT, and this in no way is that preview, I don't pretend to care about the meetings this week as I won't be able to attend (very many of) them unless they're relocated to the William W. Backus Hospital (I don't know what the "W" stands for-in a way it would be fitting if it, too, was for 'William' as if the parents weren't sure we'd heard the child's first name the first time). I've got other fish to fry-and leave you to catch them.

At some point today (very probably already by the time you read this) I'm in surgery for a total knee cap replacement of my left knee. I was diagnosed a number of years ago with degenerative arthritis and underwent uni-compartmental surgery on my right knee (the inside half, whatever that's called) and the level of pain went way down and has stayed down. And because of whatever the kneecap was made of, it did wonders for my cellphone reception but the trade off is that it will set off alarms in airport security devices.

For just such situations my doctor's office gave me a little card to keep in my wallet, I assume, so when I set off one of the alarms and the guard with the broad shoulders and the biggest handgun ever seen on earth lumbers towards me with wariness in his eye and hand on his holster, I will actually be physically able to reach into my back pocket, pull out my wallet and produce my 'Hey! It's all good!' card. Yeah.

I'm thinking right after Elvis comes back into the building after polishing off a few of those peanut butter and banana sandwiches, he can explain all of the noise to security (Bugs Bunny style, of course). ThankUverymuch. Oh yeah, I already have a new card for the other knee; like getting one card was such a day at the beach, please, Sir, I want some more (if I have half that guy's agility I'll be happy. I already have the cane). I suspect I won't even need a cell phone at all because of the improvement of the signal.

In much the way as Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti Day in South Boston, Monday is ortho surgery for my physician and the doctors in his group. As I type this, I don't know if I have the first surgery at seven AM or if I'm on later (after 'the practice guy', as I call whomever is before me). I've had the partial replacement on the other knee, a pair of arthroscopic procedures (as an outpatient) and a couple of other operations and I prefer to NOT have a time to reconsider, if you know what I mean. Otherwise I'm looking for exits that go directly from elevators, emergency doors that open into parking lots and I can actually see myself, hospital gown open in the back flapping in the breeze, as I hop, skip and attempt to run away because I'm a c-o-w-a-r-d.

This is elective surgery and isn't that big a deal even though, because of all my other health issues, I had to get releases from about a half dozen doctors in order to be allowed to go on the class trip, so to speak. I'll be knocked out cold within seconds of getting to the Operating Room since whatever they give you in prep never calms me down at all (actually I'm wired and fired by the time they come to wheel me down the hall). I'll come to in a couple of hours and my wife will be sitting in a straight-backed chair, designed to be uncomfortable so people don't hang around all day. When I open my eyes, she'll give me that tight, little 'I wasn't scared at all for you' smile that she has had to have for most of the 31 plus years she has been married to me, and she is one of the three reasons I bother to come to at all anymore.

I'll be thirsty when I come around and I'll only be able to take little sips through the straw in the cup that she'll give me, which is okay, too, since I'll be on a catheter which will remain in place, as they call it, until an hour before they release me later in the week. There's little more humbling than a catheter for a guy and I work very hard to not think about it for a woman. Move along! Nothing to see here!

The doctor may have already been in to speak to my wife or he may wait until he's done with all the surgeries for the morning and then stop back to talk about how well or sideways it all went, like I'll remember anything he says ten minutes after he's left. I'll put the device on my left knee this time that flexes the kneecap. Take a look at it-doesn't it just SCREAM "Put me on!" Look harder. You need to start early with it in your rehab program and I started less than a half an hour after coming out of surgery for the right knee which is why I was on Dancing with the Stars last season. Now it can be told.

Didja see me with Heather Mills, doing the Lindy Hop and The Black Bottom? You know she and I went to the cast picnic together, right? We didn't do too well in the egg and the spoon race but far better than she and Sir Paul did in The Sack Race. I'll bet you can guess in which event she and her partner excelled. C'mon, you know you know the answer. ;-)
-bill kenny