Spammers Gotta Eat, too

Over the holiday weekend, I've been surprised at how much unwanted and unwelcome email I've continued to get. For reasons that have a lot to do with me and little to do with a reality anyone else might recognize, I thought I'd see a slowdown in the volume of email offers for breast implants, penile extensions, dates with sweet young things who can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, solicitations on behalf of supposed family members killed in a car crash somewhere in Nigeria (it must be the African equivalent of Jan and Dean's 'Dead Man's Curve' as, literally, thousands of emails I've received all mention the street) and my favorite, the note from Yassir Arafat's widow, seeking my help (for a handsome fee, I should add) in getting back from the PLO the billions her old man helped swindle from the world community.

Check your in basket or spam folder. Right now, you, too, could be sitting on a fortune in opportunities, if only you make a leap of faith.....Yessiree, if you believe in something for nothing, or sometimes even less than nothing, have I got an email for you.
Perhaps you'd like a copy of that 'Microsoft email' where Bill Gates is sending everyone money--or maybe you and the family want a getaway to the House of Mouse with an email that purports to be from Disney with a sure-fire offer on a vacation at Disney Something Or Other (mouse ears optional).

I ran a calculator through all the offers in my spam mail folder for just Thursday through last night and I stand to make upwards of 136 Million (with an "M", brother) for very little investment on my part, aside from sharing my banking information with total and abject strangers who grow stranger by the minute.

I think the ones that tempt me most are from those with the exotic diseases who have found the Lord (I always envision Jesus with a LoJak locator) but who still want me to have their fortunes after they've shuffled off their mortal coils. It's touching, really. I just wish I had enough wheelbarrows to put all that money into. But perhaps, today will be my lucky day and a special offer from the widow of a founder of The Home Depot or Lowe's will send me an email offering me a package on Wheelbarrows Without End, amen. If so, maybe I'll put them in touch with Mrs. Arafat; it sounds like she can use a helping hand.
-bill kenny