not a regular customer of the Barber of Seville

When next we meet, do not be surprised if I'm wearing a hat. Regardless, and irrespective if it's night, in the rain, perhaps in the pool or indoors, I'll be the guy with the fedora, perhaps a trilby, or a bowler, maybe a cowboy hat (if you have to look like a dick, why not look like a Dick Cheney? That's what I say) or a watch cap.

I've been battling the ever-expanding scalp I have. It's my own fault-as I've explained before, our heads are designed to protect our brains and as we get smarter, I believe our brains get bigger. Rather than smother or strangle us with an inflexible skull, our scalps, which are much softer than the rest of our heads, expand to make room for our new and bigger smart brains. Alas, there's only so much scalp and hair to go around and when some of us, a select few, I suspect (and it's a cross I carry willingly), end up with expanding heads, we develop bald spots.

I hear you snicker. This is not creative design, my friend, but observable fact. Consider this: many regard David Letterman as the brightest of the late night TV hosts (to me, akin to the prettiest garden slug, but no matter); note, please, the expanse of scalp we occasionally see on the back of his head. Perhaps you'd prefer the example of Al "I'm an animal when it comes to Tipper" Gore, he of the 'don't put ice in your drink, it'll be here in a minute' fame. His comb over is visible from space, and can viewed by Stevie Wonder.

Realizing I had the same situation developing some months ago, I opted for chemicals since the kits with the cardboard cutout that involve spraying paint on your head were too stupid even for me. I was also uncomfortable with the hair clubs and the transplant labs since an acquaintance years ago lost his eyebrows in a fire and the plastic surgeons used hair from his terrier's hind legs to create new ones. Yes, I admit, the eyebrows seemed real, but he always looked surprised when he walked past a fire hydrant.

After nearly ninety days, I think it might be easier if I tried to cultivate and then comb the hairs growing out of my ears over the spot on the top of my head. The hair growth topical solution is all 'ical' and very little 'top', leaving me to seek the silver lining in the less than hirsute grey cloud that is my bald spot is on the absolute top of my head.

If I were six feet four inches tall (A height I think I was born to be) few would notice because, fewer, still, would know. Being five feet nine inches tall has become my undoing. I need to find a salon with lots of very short barbers. Who did Snow White's hair? Snippy? That's my guy.
-bill kenny