Sitting on a cornflake, Waiting for the van to come

I watched someone the other in a bookstore purchasing a book on Bridge. Sorry, Cornelius Ryan, this is not that but more like this (I love that TV commercial)--involving cards. Go back again and look at the site that has the bridge book recommendations and count the number of books. Amazing.

Just me or does every daily newspaper have a crossword and/or a Sudoku (puzzle? What are they officially called? All I ever see is the one word, like "Bowie", "Sinatra", "plastics") and a column on Bridge. I get about the same out of all three (my wife does crosswords in ink which I find unnecessarily self-assured and reminds me of a joke involving the Pope, a crossword and needing to borrow an eraser, but space doesn't permit me to continue this humorous intermezzo).

I get as much, if not even less, from trying to read the newspaper features on Bridge than I do from watching Univision (No hablo español) but I don't get to watch the women wearing smiles and outfits that leave little to the imagination (and I have a vivid imagination) while struggling with the newspaper. It's a good thing Parents Television Council doesn't have a TV with SAP, eh?

I mean, it looks exactly like English, "...for a defender to falsecard his partner" (it doesn't sound especially nice and my need to tell you its meaning probably exceeds your need to care, unless you're a bridge player). Where I grew up, a trick had a very different meaning, though Paul Simon assures me this one is cheaper to board but harder to saddle. And for those who are aching to explain it to me, leave out the part about 'it's borrowed from whist', because I don't speak whist either, you wascally wabbit (not that Mel Blanc saw any money from this; I imagine it's harder to shuffle the cards after use).

I have enough trouble with the World Series of Poker-not just following the action but trying to figure out why ESPN thinks it's a sport (that and the National Spelling Bee--how about this, if you miss a word, you run a lap. Now it's a sport) and then there's the Bridge players who may not be the same thing as contract bridge players (I'm imagining a Tony Soprano character trying a trump trick, whatever that is, to win tickets to a Journey concert, as Al Pacino is fishing a pistol out of a toilet's water tank), who are now upset I've made light of them, when I haven't, because I can't. I don't get any of it.

In a sport with terms including overcalled, a returned spade, and a defeated contract all in the same paragraph, the turn of a card can wipe the grin from a Cat's face, or vice versa. John (and Paul), call on line two for you, coo, coo, kachoo.
-bill kenny