Goodbye, Mr. Chips

These are not the happiest of days for the west family in Allen, Texas. The family patriarch, Arch, passed away last week of natural causes at the age of 97 (I have no idea what constitutes natural causes of death at any age, btw) and his funeral will be Saturday.

Why mention any of this? Arch West was the inventor of the Dorito. I know, you thought Moses (or Charlton Heston who looks just like him) came down from the mountain with The Tablets in one hand and a bowl of Cool Ranch Doritos in the other.

In what I find a delicious (pardon the pun) twist, his family has decided to bury him with the chips, albeit in bags instead of loose covered with guacamole or a zesty cheese sauce. I'm kidding of course, in that Doritos don't actually need a dip (sort of like coals to Newcastle) since the flavoring is baked on/sprayed on/dipped into/dunked upon. I have no idea how they do that part except it always comes off on my fingers to the point of obscuring my fingerprints.

I couldn't figure out from the obit (in the LA Times no less!) how many bags of chips will surround his urn and whether Cheetos will also be involved. Our daughter used to love the latter-and I just realized I don't remember the last time I saw her with any, so I suppose I should see if she has travel plans for Saturday.

My second (a distant, I concede) favorite thing about Doritos, aside from the eating, was always reading the nutritional information on the side of the bag. Gotta love that Red Dye #2 (?), is that what it is? It brings out the blue in your hair roots. And if weren't to know the caloric value, what would I do? Like maybe I'd think they were a health food of some sort, I guess. 'Lookahere, Lurleen," I might otherwise say, "they ain't got none of that transformational polyglot fat what make your butt big in 'em. Have another handful."

All this time I had assumed Doritos were their own food group, along with 'smores and moon pies (only when washed down by an RC cola). Next thing you know, they'll fire the Frito-Lay cartoon spokesman. Perhaps he can duet with Chris on the X-Factor.
-bill kenny