(Nearly) Losing My Religion

When we were kids, tomorrow was a serious day, Ash Wednesday. Today was the final day before we had to give something up, Shrove Tuesday, though I'm not sure any of us understood what the word meant or even the origins of the term. 

There's an 'eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow it's all over' mentality that I find so Funky Western Civilization, which has little to nothing to do with pancakes, which is what today is always associated with. 

It's been decades since I gave something up for Lent (truth to tell, I failed my faith and gave up Lent but then kept on living) and I've rationalized my failure by telling myself that since I always went back to whatever I gave up (usually something to eat as opposed to a behavior change), I hadn't really changed at all, so surrender cost nothing because it was worth nothing.

And then I look around me, and see where we are and where I am in the midst of all of that and realize I didn't run backwards or stop running at all to be here (nor did any of us) but rather, just ran a step slower, a step less resolute, perhaps a shorter footfall until the distance grew inexorably between where we wanted to be (and knew we had to go) and where we were to end up, so far behind we could no longer see those up ahead.

And when the distance between us was too great to ever fill, we stopped and have forgotten how to start again. This makes tomorrow, Ash Wednesday, more important as a beginning than today can ever be as an end.  

-bill kenny