Thursday, March 7, 2013

And Upon this Rock?

As the College of Cardinals gathers in conclave to select a new Pope, questions abound. Mine are admittedly a little different. How many other colleges can you think of who don't have a football team. Even Texas Christian has one so what's with the Vatican? No money for a football stadium? Be like the University of Phoenix. They have a stadium named for them but they are a virtual university. Makes changing in those locker rooms quite a challenge, I'll bet.

And tell me-if they had a basketball team would they not be just a perfect fit for the new Big East Basketball Conference set for next season. It's already basically all the Catholic universities that play college ball in the current Big East and some buddies. I don't really think their Eminences have anyone to play power forward (hear confessions and bless palm, yes; take a ball off the rim, or hit the open man on a fast break, not so much), unless they can get one of the younger bishops from Kenya to red shirt for a year. He already has the red hat so how hard can this process be?

This is a keenly sought-after office, make no mistake. Excuse me but this is a lobbying pitch for your support of my brother, Kelly, who is totally unencumbered with Latinate lingo or any other holy-moly stuff and who would like to be the Pope. As I recall The Book, Jesus was a carpenter; Kelly is in the construction trades. Thank you, check please. Talk about a hand in glove fit. Okay, Kelly had a few more brothers and sisters than His Lord. JC was an only child and that may have had something to do with how things were to work out for God's Son.

Kelly is perfect with all of that. Because of birth order and personality, he plays well with others. Not sure how much experience he has with dress-up but he can learn and has a terrific sense of style. I can see him in the papal tiara with Bermuda shorts while walking on water. He wears hats so headgear is not much of a stretch. Okay, he wears hard hats right now, but let's face it those have more in common with a tiara than you might think, or even want to.

Have you ever visited the Vatican, set in the heart of Rome, the Eternal City? It may be eternal but with God as my Judge, it won't last forever. Let's face it, it's in need of serious renovations (look at the Coliseum! No wonder Al Davis moved the Raiders back to Oakland). With all of his  experience, who could possibly be better than Kelly to oversee all of those repairs?

Here's the deal: if you want the Mass in Latin, and grown men hanging out with ten year olds, look elsewhere for your next Bishop of Rome. But if you want the colors in the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel to just 'pop,' to have drive-through confessionals and buy-one get-one-free deals on both bingo cards and plenary indulgences, mark your ballot for Kelly Kenny. He will fix everything. He has already fixed the election.
-bill kenny

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