Monday, March 18, 2013

Another Radio- Active Question

I've heard it argued the primary difference between man, the species, and all the other birds and beasts of the earth, is our development of language. Admittedly this would seem to ignore our mastery of tools but perhaps field mice shop in the Home Depot when I'm at work (hamsters drive Kia's while I'm home because I've seen them on TV) so maybe the language advocates have a valid point.

On the other hand based on the comments I read daily in just about any on-line forum, we don't seem to hold grammar or spelling in such high regard. Or one another, come to think of it. What I especially like with language is how it can be used to build bridges but so often creates walls. I'm an elderly married man who should know better than to fall for questions about my wife's wardrobe but I don't, so she helps me out by NOT taking me with her when she shops for clothes because I'll write a check with my mouth that my butt will have to cash.

If you're married or in a relationship (and those two are NOT always the same thing but you knew that, right? See? That's one of those vagaries of nuance that used to trip me up) and your significant other asks "does this (insert name of article of clothing here) make my butt look big?" do not even acknowledge the question. You cannot possibly answer it correctly so look away. Any response is placing your leg in the bear trap. Once in, you can't get away without having to gnaw it all the way off to escape.

And buying single shoes is such a hassle.

I mention all of this because I fell across a story in a recent Huffington Post that is trouble (for guys) from the headline to the deadline. Mull it over for a moment and do as I did: check the room for any easily accessible exits; failing to find any, estimate if you might successfully run through a wall or out an open window to safety. Nothing, right? Then, as discussed, practice your "I'm sorry, what did you say?" response and try to have six to ten variations on it because Jennifer is loaded for bear, my brothers, and the T word I'm thinking of while looking at her is 'trouble' but your guess was good, too.

Remember, we have no opinion on how much body parts should be insured for nor we do wish to even hazard a guess. Ever. You cannot win this my friend so don't even start. And any light-hearted banter about good hands and cupping them will get you the longest weekend on the couch of your entire life, so far. Especially if the couch is in the garage and you don't have a garage. Make your words soft and sweet-because you will eat them.
-bill kenny   

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