Monday, August 31, 2015

This, That and Some of the Other

Digging through some old notes (I'm old; what other kind do you expect me to have) and came across some Imponderables that, at the time I noted them, were vexing to me and now that some distance and space has elapsed, I still don't get. Your mileage may vary. The outcome will not.

I saw a man the other day with a Mohawk haircut, but the part that wasn't in the Mohawk was shaved to the naked scalp. He was wearing a three-piece suit that probably cost twice what my car is worth. I cannot imagine what he does for a living to be able to do what he does for a living. He wasn't a young guy, either. I'm not real good at guessing ages, or weight for that matter so that career option as a Carney is out. 

Actually he was closer to being my age and he looked as goofy as the guys with whom I didn't go to Woodstock together all look. You've seen 'em too. They have long hair, gray and frayed and wispy, in a ponytail usually with a bald spot the size of a pancake (mine is more a silver dollar size). Nothing sticks it to the man like a Volvo station wagon, Teva sandals and those green 'we recycle' grocery bag while you shop for organic tofu and bean sprouts. Fight the Power!

Here's somebody I'd actually like the 'man' to stick it to. The auto-American cretin who compensates for his car's driver's side headlamp being burned out by driving with his high beams on and not dimming them as you and he approach one another. Yeah, I remember what Driver Ed said: don't retaliate and turn yours on-it makes two blinded drivers but still.... My son some time ago gave me a great idea-I turn off all my lights which makes it a lot easier for Hi (no Lois) to see me behind the wheel as I visually suggest that he's my #1 special friend, but not in that way. 

I also don't know what to do about the driver who goes up a one way street the wrong way, slowly because he certainly doesn't want to cause an accident, for a short distance, to pull into somebody's driveway, rather than go around the block. I love when he comes nose to nose with a car coming down the street the correct way and they glare at each other like Mr Upstream Salmon has any comeback at all. Or that guy's cousin, the driver who backs up a one-way street the wrong way with the car flashers on, so I guess it doesn't count as much. 

Speaking of counting, how many crumbs from the toaster tray do you suppose it takes to assemble an entire piece of bread, and can you toast that slice when you're done? I've told you I have a second Facebook thing (account/page/I don't know what to call it). When I go there, why does it say "you must log in to see this page"? Don't they mean "you must log in to see the NEXT page" since I can see the log-in page just fine?

And help me get the word out in advance of next year's Presidential elections.Take the pledge now and promise to make everyone else do it too: After the vote is cast and the Republic is doomed or saved, depending on whether your nominee won or didn't, why not take the political bumper stickers off.

And I mean ALL of them, not just the party who lost but the party who won as well. We hate those talking heads on our TV screens officiously opining about the ills of the nation and cringe when our elected Representatives blame one another for everything from the recession to Bill Buckner booting that grounder (and the cancellation of Paris and Nicole's The Simple Twits), and yet here we are, not remembering that sometimes a razor blade can be your friend, and not in that way (either). 

But judging from the number of three-day growths I've seen lately, every bumper in America will be gleaming from sea to shining, or whining, sea. I can only assume we're working our way to buzz cutting those chickens in every pot much like that guy in the three-piece suit, unless your state has legalized marijuana in which case your recipe may just be the reverse.
-bill kenny

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