Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Unabashed Commercial Endorsement

I remember as a child watching my father shave. He had a mug, with a disc of shaving soap, and an ivory-handled long-haired brush that after he'd added just a bit of hot water to the mug, he'd use with a swirling motion to make a foam which he'd then use the brush hairs to dab to his face. He had double-edged blades that could cut through steel or seemed to look like it.

When I was old enough to shave, I was terrified of those sharp blades and tried an electric razor that never felt close enough or left my face feeling smooth enough when I was done. Razor manufacturers were cranking out variations and variants of blades and I hopped from one type to the other.

I've never been fond of shaving. It's like haircuts-no matter how marvellous one is, you know it doesn't last and you'll need to get another. In that sense, both personal grooming routines are like lawn mowing. And I really hate lawn mowing.

I don't always shave, but when I don't shave I drink Dos Equus. Stay lathered, my friends. Just Kidding. That would be just about all I would need to do, go back to drinking and then shave. Actually, aside from when I was in the Air Force, and they were a little picky about shaving and haircuts come to think of it, I've had a full beard, a goatee, a Van Dyke beard and/or a moustache in addition to being clean-shaven. And no one has seemed to care (except my wife).

My full beard begins as a day I skip shaving and tell myself 'this will look good, finally!' and for three days or so, it does. But too soon I look like a runner-up in a Ted Kaczynski lookalike contest. After that, it gets grey and scraggly and all I'm missing is a squeegee, a street corner and a cup full of quarters, so I shave it, but not off. I trim it, sometimes as a goatee and sometimes as a Van Dyke beard.

And then I'll whittle away on that until there's just a moustache and eventually that gets shaved off as well. And then, only after all that, someone at work will look at me and go, did you shave? Yeah, now go pound sand

I never trim it like that guy in Motley Crue, I think, who shaves the under his nose part of the moustache off and leaves the ends so he looks to me like they sound (and if you think that is "cool" or "crap", either or both might be correct).

The part in recent years I've hated about shaving, aside from the monotony of the routine, is the cost. One company makes the ProGlide blade I liked to use and despite the years (decade) they've made them and the huge quantities they've manufactured, the blades are as stupidly expensive as the day they were first introduced and no amount of magical math TV commercials can make that make sense as you can see for yourself.

I switched to these guys and love every aspect of the experience. To say I 'recommend' them and am not expecting a boxcar's worth to show up at my house, or even a pony ride, is quite the testimonial to my sense of integrity and to their perspicacity. And probably your credulity as well.

Hell, I'm shaving three times a day now, twice on Sundays and not just my face (pause to let that sink in; that's enough, move along). I'm shaving peaches and other hirsute fruits and vegetables not to mention all the dogs and cats within a five block radius of my house.

Point in fact: I've had a to buy a wheelbarrow to help me get the money I save each month to the bank and I've had naked babies touch my shaven cheek, on my face, and ask me what my secret is. Luckily, I can keep one so they're S.O.L.

I'm not ever going to enjoy shaving, I've accepted that, but I'm done subsidizing manufacturers whose processes are designed not to make better products or to save me time or money but to maximize their own profits. Short of electrolysis (didja see what I did there?), this is the way to go. You're welcome.
-bill kenny

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