Saturday, December 26, 2015

For a Day of Many Unhappy Returns....

I'm not getting up early today to return anything I was happy to receive as a gift yesterday because I'm still happy. Some of the things I gave to others may have missed the mark. I like to think of that as my super power, but I could be wrong. 

If that's what you're up and about to do today good morning to you and I'll sit here quietly with my breakfast while you get your day started. I eat cold cereal in the mornings for breakfast. I realize, especially during the colder months, there are many nutritional positives to be offered in support of choosing oatmeal, grits, Wheatena or Maypo, but I've never been able to eat any of them. 

Make no mistake: I can prepare hot cereals just fine and without hesitation. I focus on the tasks at hand--heat the water, pour it into the container and stir it around with the spoon until it has achieved the consistency of wallpaper paste. So far, so good. Pause, dip in the spoon and slowly direct it towards my mouth. NO SALE.

I cannot be tricked into eating it, no matter how good it smells, no matter how much I 'know' after 30 days it'll lower my cholesterol, brighten my smile, heighten my IQ or no matter how it'll warm me up from the inside and get my day off to a bigger, brighter and faster start. Nope. That whole 'Here comes the airplane and you're the hanger......oh, it's yummy and delicious Maypo....' Sorry. Not happening. Not in this life and not in the next life. 

As a matter of fact, to the bemusement of my family, I eat cold cereal without milk and sugar, without bananas or strawberries or anything else. Just naked, the way it comes out of the box--exactly the way General Mills and Kellogg's (Kay e double L oh double good) intended it.

I had a boss years a lifetime ago tell me when breakfast cereals were introduced into post-war (West) Germany, Germans had NO idea how to eat them and poured orange juice onto the cereal, instead of milk and sugar. I guess these days it'd be 2% and Splenda.

My favorite cereal is and has always been Cheerios-just the way they are-NOT covered with yogurt, chocolate or flavored with apple whatevers, just plain brown Cheerios, looking like doughnut seeds. I never allowed myself as a kid to get seduced by the prize inside. 

Though the prizes are one of the reasons I dreaded growing up: adults ate cereals with NO prizes! What kind of a deal was that? With all due respect to Michael Jordan (the patron saint of sports figure product endorsement) and his marketing magic, what kind of a prize would you put in a Wheaties box? Sweatsocks? 

'Collect the whole pair! One inside of each specially marked box! Get yours today!'
-bill kenny

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