Saturday, January 22, 2011

And then You Die

Some things I take on faith alone (no ice or chaser). I've heard about them and have chosen to accept their existence without empirical proof:

- Hank Steinbrenner talks to God and He listens (more than Hank does when Cashman speaks).

- Touching a hot burner on the stove will hurt your hand.

- If you don't stop making that face it will stay like that.

- A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo first and throw the chocolate cookie outsides away.

- Your worst day alive is still better than your best day dead.

All but the last one, I suppose, you can actually devise your own proof of concept, if so inclined or go along with the conventional wisdom. Since I have NO basis of comparison for that final item, and don't want to, I accept it at face value, acknowledging your mileage may vary and that dealer preparation, taxes and delivery charges are not included.

Speaking of which (nearly), from the 'you can't make this s(k)it up' File, with a dateline of Marion County, Florida, and what I'm assuming is not a prank: Robbery Crew Steals, Snorts Cremated Ashes". You almost have to watch it twice, doncha, and admire the clarity of Chuck Darwin's vision.

I'm old enough to remember watching Walter Cronkite deliver the evening news on television and I can't imagine him ever reading such a story and I tried hard (believe me). I'm sure that we have always had extremely stupid people in large numbers in this country (not just in Congress but everywhere) but it seems it's only been in recent decades that either there's so damn many of 'em or that we've celebrated them on so many channels.

Ignoring, or trying to, the profound rudeness of robbing someone's house--robbery of a person is bad enough but we're talking about the safest place you can presume to ever be, your own home, we have these five Up from the Ooze Pond Scum 'three teens and two juveniles' and I somehow doubt any of their parents met at a local chapter meeting of Mensa International.

This is well beyond Stupid Human Tricks (gratituous knuckle bump at no extra charge) and falls into the 'insult to humanity' category, I think. Even those raised by wolves have better manners than this (okay, maybe not table manners especially when it's a leg of lamb, but still...) and you just know that when a parent or adult stunt-double stopped by the police station to claim a youngun, wherever he was, Ned Beatty's flesh crawled.

I'm glad the other species don't have cable (no thumbs to work the clickers)-because when, not if, they get a whiff of just how vicious and venal we are (opposable thumbs be damned) we'll be so over. And since we can't outrun most of them, Air Force Ones or not, we'll have to settle for outrunning each other and hoping by the time they catch up, they're sated since one of us is all out of napkins.
-bill kenny

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