Friday, April 5, 2013

Voted Off the Peninsula

I rarely, if ever, wish I were President of the United States of America. As a child, I figured out how I could be a cowboy, an astronaut and a baseball player with enough time left over to also be the President (admittedly there weren't a month's worth of play-offs when I was a kid and only eight teams (kidding!)). But for the last couple of days, maybe because I'm physically tired and I'm also more than tired of their unending theater, the North Koreans have prompted me to return to my old dream.

Heqq, I still have the saddle and a birthday coming up so the cowboy gig isn't as far out there as it might seem. If I have enough money, someone will put me on a shuttle to the International Space Station (I still think IHOP missed the endorsement deal of the millenium) and one more injury to one more player and the Yankees will let me play any of the infield positions I can name on a quiz (I see Hank Steinbrenner looking at the answer sheet and saying to Brian Cashman, 'yeah, shortfielder-sure, why not?').

That leaves us with the saddest people on earth and Kim Jong-un, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. How'd you like to own the gift shop at Panmunjeom? They have souvenir tee shirts made out of barb wire, I assume and how many picture postcards of the Worker's Paradise can there be (turns out I was joking, it's a lovely place like the Hotel California in practically every respect)?

Through the ubiquitous social media I know (a few) people who live in South Korea and they are very unsettled over whatever shenanigans these guys up North are involved in. And I can't say I blame them. Talk about sucking for a bruise (not sure how the official UN translation of that would sound) but my current favorite line is "The U.S. had better ponder over the prevailing grave situation."

Or what?
If they were to succeed in provoking me to give them my undivided attention, I'd ask everyone in South Korea to 'look away' and in two minutes this is done. Quite frankly, there's no point in being the most powerful nation not only in the world but in the history of the world if you don't intend to use it. And I know just enough about nuclear weapons to know there's an 'all in' setting on them and not much else.

There's no 'nuke attack lite,' for when you just don't have enough time for an all-out tactical exchange. One or Zero. I learned that in Poli-Sci 101. School's out, Supreme Leader. Rodman says grab those erasers and prepare to become one with the chalk dust.
-bill kenny 

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