Saturday, February 15, 2014

All We Are Saying

There are many reasons why we have the greatest armed forces in the history of the planet (how we might do against an Army of the Undead is still open to debate, I'm told, though the fact that there is no such thing never seems to be part of that discussion) and I would attempt to list all of the reasons except I'd inadvertently omit one and then have the Seventh Fleet transporting the 82nd Airborne to my house to yell at me. I just don't need that noise.

If you think a really high up-there reason for being so great is that we have more variations of camouflaged uniforms than Baskin-Robbins has flavors of ice cream, I'd give you that one because both your example and your point are hard to see, which is the ultimate object of that exercise, I suppose.

But now that I have you thinking culinary and edible, how about a new Goodest reason for all that incredibleness (incredibilosity?) being that our armed forces are thisclose to having forever pizza. Even in the field. You think I jest? Pshaw, read this and weep Papa John, Domino, Pizza Hut and DiGiorgno.

Maybe just me, but I'm not sure I'd want to eat lunch in the cafeteria at the U.S. Army Natick Soldier Research, Development and Engineering Center-either out of a vending machine or from the hot serve line. I just assume everything you eat comes with the two folks wearing hairnets clutching clipboards who mutter things like "ribonucleic osmosis' while you're carving up your chicken meatloaf and other culinary cunning stunts.

As a child of the Space Race, I was a huge fan of Tang, not because it was any good or good for me (how would I know? I was a kid) but because the astronauts drank it. And now we're about to have SGT Rock and Easy Company having a slice with one hand while working a street sweeper with a full metal jacket in the other. If the Forces of Evil aren't cowering by now, just wait until we unveil the Stromboli Drone. Remember: if you can conceive it, you will achieve it!
-bill kenny

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