Be Ready to Get Confused

David Letterman used to have a frighteningly popular segment on his late evening programs called Stupid Human Tricks. Luke Gatti would not have made the shows because Programming and Practices Division of the TV Network would have never allowed a title like Stupid Arsehole Punk Tricks to be used on the air, and yet nothing else quite captures Luke’s egregious behavior. 

And make no mistake, short of finding out Luke’s family was being held hostage and he was forced to misbehave, there’s no excuse or explanation for his puerile antics, though the little boy certainly does try, hard.  

I get it. He said he was sorry so that should count, right? Let’s remember he is only nineteen and a freshman at the University of Connecticut; except let’s also a year or so ago he was eighteen and a freshman at a college in Massachusetts and seems to have been jammed up in a similar fashion.  So maybe, despite his protestations, being a drunken lout is what he is all about. Do what you do and do it well, taken to its extreme? Perhaps, but perhaps not.

Luke’s behavior appears to be as sober as a judge in comparison to Whitney Beall who seemed to believe she was in an intoxicated submarine. She was using Periscope while weaving home after a few hearty Yo-Ho-Hos and some bottles of rum and other adult beverages. 

Sometimes there are no words to capture the depths we plumb as a species in finding the most destructive (and often self-destructive) behavior.  I’m thinking as a reward for NOT having hurt anyone else with her bone-headedness we should allow further applications of liquid lubricant applied on a deserted highway until she finds a bridge trestle.

That may be too harsh. Realizing this pair of miscreants has been subjected to massive amounts of public derision and other forms of “Owie! You hurt my feelings!” humiliation, I’m not sure what punishment fits the crime. For me, the takeaway in this edition of Stupid Is as Stupid Does is that dumb is pretty evenly spread, like cool whip or dog poop, up and down the Eastern Seaboard.

Between us, in less than five minutes I’ll bet we could find two dozen more examples from all the corners of this great nation. Perhaps we could have a contest? First prize, lunch at the UConn cafeteria with Luke, assuming he still gets a student discount, with travel to and from, courtesy of Whitney. Bring your own bib, and maybe a sippy cup. 

-bill kenny