Targets of Opportunity

As you should know by now, the party whom some of us made the majority in both houses of our Congress last November at least partially on their promise to prove they could govern, has it seems been hitting the sugar a little too hard lately, in terms of the cat wrangling required to be the Speaker of the House (and third in the line of Presidential succession). 

Less than a month ago, Mr. Boehner from the Great State of Ohio, jauntily sang zippity-doo-dah while walking to the podium at a press conference and announcing to the surprise of a roomful of reporters, his fun-meter was basically pegged out, he would be stepping down from his leadership position and leaving the House of Representatives (as I understand it) by the end of this month.

Late Wednesday afternoon/ early evening, the person considered to be his successor, California’s very own Kevin McCarthy paused before entering a room of his Republican congressional brethren to announce he was no longer a candidate. Without wanting to feed the frenzy of the Lone Gunmen theorists I’m thinking it might just be that podium. (I’m also thinking about how much effort it might take to turn my theory into a big bucks talking head ‘analyst’ gig at Fox News.)

You don’t even need to be a representative to become Speaker. Seriously. Would Newt Gingrich lie? Okay bad example, but the part about not having to be a member of Congress is still true. And while I don’t consider myself a Republican in the political party sense of the word, I remind those who have an R behind their names when considering Mr. Gingrich, please remember the Don’t Ask part of DADT. 

I, on the other hand, have a full-time job, but very understanding bosses and LOTS of unused vacation time and sick days. Congress is only in session something like three days a week, and if I were Speaker, since I’m not a representative, I could skip all that law-making and wheeling and dealing that goes in all the committees (maybe Benghazi not so much). I could keep the Speaker’s Gavel in my car under my front seat, where Ben Carson probably keeps his handguns, ready at a moment’s notice. 

My family has a history of public service. One of my brothers offered himself up not that long ago to serve as Pope of the entire Roman Catholic Church and my other brother and I offered to watch him do that (we are a close-knot family though leaning towards cotton blends, mostly) so I’m just putting the offer out there, though it seems there might also be a vacancy in the Being James Bond in the Movies Industry. 

Y’know, depending on the shooting schedule for the next flick, whose preliminary story I believe has something to do with Part Eleven of The Hobbit Saga and Fast and Furious XIX.3, I don’t see why I couldn’t pick up Dan’s gig as well as Kevin’s.

I might not have a lot of time to meet the Pope, unless the College of Cardinals chooses my brother the next time (he will after all, now know both the Speaker of the House and James Bond), but should Vlad the Impaler choose to quadruple park in front of 46^th and 1^st in Manhattan during rush hour, between Daniel Webster (Devil sold separately) and Miss Moneypenny (for your thoughts)he’ll soon whistle another tune, though probably not this one.

-bill kenny