It starts tomorrow and will predate the end of the world as we know it by, hopefully, a few days or more (depending on your ideological perspective). I’m speaking about the only other major entity to have a parade of elephants aside from the circus (which it may well resemble before it’s through), the Republican National Convention which starts tomorrow in Cleveland, Ohio, unless we get lucky and a comet hits us.
In light of the joy that was felt on the banks of the Cuyahoga River a month ago when Lebron and the Cavs brought home the NBA Championship, Mayor Frank Jackson and the citizens and residents of Cleveland will have a busy and eventful, if not always pleasant, three days, I’m sure.
It’s an honor to host a national political convention. I’m sure the good people of Philadelphia are telling themselves the very same thing as they prep for a parade of jackasses donkeys heading their way in a few short weeks. Cleveland, Ohio, and Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; so different and yet so similar.
One city grew up listening to Alan Freed; the other, ‘The Geater with the Heater,’ Jerry Blavat. One has the Browns; the other, the Eagles. And then there’s an age-old quandary, Indians or Phillies. And while one has the Liberty Bell, the other has The Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame. I think as a tourist, I’d call them pretty much dead even and good value for the money. Your mileage may vary and probably will.
The Democrats with the luxury of time are still wrestling over the language and meaning of their platform; the Republicans will have to run on what they’ve brung. And while I concede no one chooses a President based on a party’s platform, the GOP’s is an eye opener and gives me more cause for pause per gallon than anything else has for quite some time.
We have appeals to armchair warriors with the call to “destroy ISIS,” and a harkening back to the Pilgrim’s Progress meets the Legion of Decency on the “public health crisis” that is the scourge of pornography.
But wait, there’s more: a plank calling for reading the Bible in public schools and planks on any number of social issues ranging from immigration (of course there’s a Wall, Pink Floyd would be pleased) through all manner of civil rights (as long as that manner is strictly heterosexual) not forgetting environmental (requiring the mental gymnastics of Nadia Comaneci to conclude ‘coal is a clean energy source’).
The platform seems to be a document the party is hoping no one thinks about too much. And since by Wednesday’s conclusion they will have in all likelihood selected as a Presidential candidate someone who doesn’t seem to think at all, it should be a Faustian bargain of nearly epic proportion that pays dividends for years and promises seconds of satisfaction.
-bill kenny
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