America's National Pastime

This is from a number of years ago though just how many is sort of lost in the mists of time and travail, at least it usually is for me. I was delighted to realize the link in the story still functions which is often more than can be said for me.
  
This is one of these 'torn from the headlines' items that, as the pretend adult I am, I'm supposed to counsel 'don't try this at home, kids!' except...it happened at home and it was kids. Aside from that, no resemblance to reality, implied or expressed is intended.

This is sort of Bob H's* fault because he sent me the original item Thursday afternoon but I was so busy, I really didn't read it and it didn't sink in until Friday about the middle of the day. When it showed up in the New York Daily News, I was impressed: Teenagers mistakenly assault woman's sex partner after they mistook her screams of passion for cries. And people despair for the next generation! 

I will very probably never meet Torrington Police Lt. Bruce Whiteley, but if anyone has Joe Friday down better, I'd sure like to meet them. In describing what had happened, this is his ENTIRE summation, "Swanson and Arnold had not been fighting." 

Yeah, once you've read the article, that conclusion just jumps out at you. And the comments offered by readers, as ungrammatical and borderline illiterate as they are, in their own way are as funny as the story itself. 

I think the young Mr. Roger Swanson should be very grateful he hadn't planned on a day-night doubleheader. And whoever said 'safe at home' has certainly never been a gentleman caller of Ms. Melanie Arnold's.
-bill kenny

*true confession: I no longer have any idea to whom I am referring (story of my life).