"I Have Slipped the Surly Bounds of Underwear..."

Remember the old Burger King TV jingle? 

"Hold the pickle,

Hold the lettuce

Special orders don't upset us

All we ask is that you let us serve it your way." 

Here's the sad part, I can remember that jingle and thousands of lines of doggerel, sketches, catch-phrases, tv dialogue, et al, from well over sixty-plus years of existence here on the ant farm but I can't keep track of my youngest brother's birthdate and confuse the day and month of our son's birth.

But I digress.

The New York Daily News, a tabloid before we ever used that word, had what I thought was an attention-grabbing headline on a 'news from the newsroom floor kind of story' Florida Man Arrested for Masturbating with Pickle on Private Property. 

Imagine my chagrin to learn the NYDN don't even know the half of it because when you trace the story back to its origins you have an exercise in assertive alliteration as a headline that throws some large shade at the Daily News' effort, Pickle-Packing Perv Popped on Private Premise.  

Here's what I'm trying to understand (among a myriad of things): the smile on Eric's face in his mug shot. Is he auditioning to be one of the Campbell Soup Kids? According to the warrant, to my profound disappointment, the arresting officer offered no 'aggravating/mitigating factors.' And as the news account reports, there was NO word on the disposition of the pickle. 

I think someone needs to contact the Vlasic Stork for comment, and, perhaps, recipe ideas.
-bill kenny