Joe Jackson Was Right

Sometimes as the news stream washes over me, there's a processing error of sorts. My eyes/ears receive information from print, TV or Sock Puppet News Hour and my brain for any number of reasons goes all mushy and the story doesn't register at that moment.

Somewhere down the line, I look up and go 'waitaminit!' and double back around the bridge twice, with apologies to Joseph Heller and Captain Yossarian. Sometimes, upon further review, the call on the field stands and other times I make movies in my head that are far more frightening than the original storyline.

Unfortunately, as is the case this time, there are yet other circumstances where Ruth Is Stranger than Richard and the yeesh factor of the actual story prompts a visceral "no more calls, please! We have a winner!" which usually means we have anything but. This is one of those circumstances. Michael Douglas, please leave The Streets of San Francisco exactly where they are, and c'mon down to awkward.

I'm trying to figure out if this is from the Director's Cut of When Mikey Met Cathy and if it is, I'm pretty sure I'm not having whatever he's having. You may remember a reactor mishap at Three Mile Island, near in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, in the late Seventies; this TMI has an entirely different meaning. And speaking of which, when does my right as a reader/viewer/consumer to NOT KNOW something exceed a public figure's need to tell me?

I'll bet it was magic in The Douglas household the day after this story hit the wires. And, Allen Burry, no skin off my nose (another cancer joke, didja read what I did there?) I'm sure you walked away from your "clarification" feeling pretty good about yourself but from here, gotta tell ya it looks like you drilled a second hole in the boat to let the water out.

I guess the good news is neither Douglas will be hearing from the Vonnegut estate. The bad news might be that Coppertone is talking about an endorsement deal for a flavored SPF-50 product.
-bill kenny