Just Lacking the Pink Crustacean

I was going to write something original, thoughtful, and clever about today being April Fool's Day (and shame on you for wondering where I would copy from), and recalled a  cartoon our son Patrick posted many years ago that I always associate with today for no reason at all. I've done it in previous years and you are about to witness it happening yet again. 

Here's the cartoon and below it, the words of half-wit if not actual wit from long ago they more or less inspired. 

I stopped by my local grocery the other day and there's a young man, perhaps all of five years old (on a good day with a strong breeze at his back, downhill) who is, as are they all at that age, thrilled to be alive and shopping with 'Dad!'. I'm typing it that way, 'Dad!' because that's how it sounded every time he said it. And he said it a lot. Madras shorts and an electric yellow short-sleeve shirt, this young fellow, standing before the lobster display case, was as enchanted as if he were at Sea World.

The lobsters, rubber bands around their claws, stacked like so much cordwood on the bottom of the display case were just about at his eye level. He touched the glass, somewhat tentatively, and then realized they couldn't bite him and started to slide his hand along the glass, shuffling his feet and shouting for 'Dad!' over and over and louder and louder like maybe 'Dad!' was deaf instead of ignoring him. He wasn't the least bit sad that the lobsters weren't chasing his hand-besides, he was in no hurry.

After minutes of this, 'Dad!' came over to the display tank where his son announced he'd 'really like to get one of these to take home!' (it's possible all children around the world until they hit double digits, think and talk in exclamation points). 'Dad!' calling his son 'buddy' seemed okay with this idea and suggested getting a second lobster as well 'for mom' while he and 'buddy' shared this one.

'Buddy' nearly went along with this proposal until he considered what his mother might make of a lobster as a pet, which nearly all of us in the area of the display were pretty sure is what 'buddy' had in mind. I say nearly all because 'Dad!' had no clue at all. After telling 'buddy, I didn't know you liked lobster', and in turn being promised by 'buddy' that he'd take of the lobster and 'walk him every day,' all I needed was the fat lady to sing, after fetching the melted butter and lemon.

'Dad!' was now on thin ice (technically he was in the water to his ankles) but seemed to think he had a teachable moment here, somewhere. He got as far as explaining that 'we eat lobsters, bud----' "EAT THEM!" the child shrieked. "WHY WOULD WE EAT THEM?" 

As questions go, this was an excellent one, especially had it been followed with 'how do we eat them?' Instead, the child, now staring at a man he'd never suspected of cannibalism, kept repeating so loudly I'm sure you could hear him in the parking lot (perhaps in Delaware) 'Dad!' 'Dad!' Dad!'

Luckily, Mom (no exclamation point please) arrived from, I think, the cereal aisle and scooped up a now openly sobbing 'buddy' shooting an 'I will boil you for this' look at 'Dad!' while marching towards the deli counter to get the child a please be quiet bribe slice of salami.

I'd tell you what I was thinking of sharing with 'buddy' about where we get salami but mom had a visage that would make a train run on a dirt road and I remembered (just in time) I had absolutely no opinion on lobsters or lifestyles.
-bill kenny.