Eating Alphabet Soup Does Not Make You a Writer

A lifetime ago I worked with Dave, from Texas, who had a honey in the rock kind of voice and a temperament you could not frazzle try as you might. He had an expression along the lines of 'just because the cat gave birth in the oven, that doesn't make her kittens biscuits.'

I was thinking of him and that whole idea when I opened this Spam I Am letter from a Mr. White somewhere in a Nigerian or Benin boiler room, obviously written by someone who learned English during a mail handler's strike so none of the vowels or rules on how to use them were ever delivered.

(The use of ALL CAPS for most of it was a very nice touch, btw. Be advised, if you run this through Spellcheck or Grammatik, your cpu will explode.)

ATTENTION: MY DEAR FRIEND;

    PLEASE THERE IS SOMETHING BEWILDERED WHICH I DO NOT UNDERSTOOD,(MR.THOMAS ALLEN) YOUR BROTHER IS TRYING TO MAKE US BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE IN SICK BED AND NOT CAPABLE TO HANDLE THE TRANSACTION. HE EVEN EXPLAINED THAT YOU ENTERED INTO AN AGREEMENT WITH HIM THEREBY MAKING HIM THE CURRENT BENEFICIARY OF THE CONSIGNMENT BOX . YOUR CONSIGNMENT BOX WHICH WAS CONFISCATED BY THIS USA I M F OFFICE.

    HE CLAIMED TO BE YOUR NEXT OF KIN AND HE IS HERE TO SEND THE NEEDED FEE OF $95 TO BENIN REPUBLIC FOR THE INSURANCE OF THE ORIGINAL AWARD OWNERSHIP CERTIFICATE DOCUMENTS,THAT IS WHY I AM WRITING THIS MESSAGE TO YOU TODAY, IN VIEW OF THIS DEVELOPMENT. YOU ARE REQUESTED TO CONFIRM TO THIS I M F OFFICE THE TRUTH OF THIS MATTER, WHETHER WE RELEASE THE CONSIGNMENT BOX TO YOUR BROTHER,

    I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU AND TO VERIFY WHETHER YOU ARE THE ONE THAT SENT HIM TO RECEIVE THE CONSIGNMENT BOX BEFORE WE CAN ALLOW HIM TO SEND THE THE $95 FOR THE MAN IN CHARGE OF THE CERTIFICATE OF OWNERSHIP MR.SAM ALBERT. PLEASE, DO CONFIRM TO ME, AS A MATTER OF URGENCY IF THIS MAN IS REALLY FROM YOU SO THAT THIS OFFICE WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR PAYING WRONG PERSON.

    BE ADVICE THAT WE ARE READY TO RELEASE YOUR CONSIGNMENT BOX TO MR.THOMAS ALLEN AND I DON'T THINK YOU WILL BLAME ANY PERSON IF THIS HAPPEN WHICH YOU HAVE ALREADY PAID SOME MONEY TO THE GOVERNMENT OF BENIN REPUBLIC IN THE PAST, THAT IS ALL I NEED TO TELL YOU NOW. PLEASE YOU SHOULD RESPOND URGENTLY TO ENABLE US TO KNOW WHETHER YOU WERE THE ONE THAT SENT HIM BECAUSE THERE IS NUMEROUS SCAM THAT IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD TODAY WHICH YOU MUST BE AWARE OF.

    IF YOU ARE VERY SURE THAT YOU ARE NOT THE ONE SENT MR.THOMAS ALLEN AS AN INSIDER IN THIS FINANCIAL INSTITUTION, GO AHEAD NOW TO SEND THE $95 WITH THE PAYMENT INFORMATION IN ORDER TO ENABLE BENIN HIGH COURT OBTAIN THIS NEEDED CERTIFICATES SO THAT YOUR CONSIGNMENT BOX WILL BE DELIVERED TO YOUR ADDRESS TO AVOID LOSING YOUR CONSIGNMENT BOX.TODAY.

Literacy makes everything possible, even the impossible.

-bill kenny