(TV) Dinner for One

Thanks to people like Fox and ABC, I cannot wait for January. Sure, I'll have turkey with the best of them tomorrow and will Ho-ho-ho to beat the band come Christmas. I'm not sure what to do on New Year's Eve as I nod off about 10 PM but EVERY year without fail, I watch a remnant of another life, from another time. All you need to appreciate the clip best is to know it was filmed live in an NDR TV studio in Cologne, West Germany in 1963 (in English, without subtitles; they're not necessary)and is a New Year's tradition in Germany every year.

Back here in the Land of the Round Doorknobs we could see it, or something like it, in the immediate future, especially if what we're promised for January is a portent of things to come. The alphabet network is offering me a show developed by Ashton Kutcher and Tyra Banks (let's pause for a moment and think about that one, shall we? The Titans of TV teaming up? Time's up and it's much later than any of us think) and is a contest to reveal and measure the inner beauty of the various contestants (I'm almost praying, if we decide 'beauty is only skin deep', they'll skin the winner; but I'll bet the test audiences won't like it). I'm sure we'll see folks who used to be on those fliers in the post office or who make Gary Busey look normal.

The other program I'm keenly awaiting is something the Fox folks (who've given us some fine entertainment through the decades. I can only imagine the size of the parade they threw in Melbourne the day Rupe's USA citizenship was approved) are calling Secret Millionaires. Both programs lead me to believe my moment of ephemeral phame on the Magic Lantern, the Electric Fire, could be drawing near. I am, as you can imagine, like a kid in a candy store--actually more like a kid who ate a candy store in terms of hyperactivity.

My idea isn't quite as innovative as National Lampoon's Catch It and You Keep It and comes down to two really super-duper ideas for one whole hour (judging from what's on most of the time, it could well be carried on multiple networks and cable providers, simultaneously). The first part would be celebrities who come to my house and do chores like wash my car, or paint my fence, or trim my hedges. I'd call it "WiIFM", what's in it for me. Did I mention they'd pay me for the opportunity to do these things and product placement ads would be EVERYWHERE to cover the production costs? We'd have Paris Hilton (I assume the musicians who played on Stars Are Blind showered for hours to get the smell off) and one or more of the Kardashians and maybe Joan Rivers' daughter and the guy who used to be on Full House, not Saget, not Stamos, the other one. Yeah that guy. Tom Sawyer had the right idea, he just didn't think big enough. At the end of the show, viewers call in and vote for the celebrity who did the best job at chores and the losers get whacked in the shins with a Nerf bat as we roll credits and hype the next half hour.

The second half of the show is a roving crew that just shows up at a random house, sort of like Ty Pennington (without work boots), and the lucky family plays in order to keep their own possessions. We'd start with small stuff: perhaps a pet, 'if you want to see Fluffy in this life ever again, who played first base for the NY Mets in their inaugural season?' (Answer: Marvelous Marv Throneberry a/k/a VRAM (Marv backwards. The denizens of Shea were a primitive but clever people.)) Obviously we can't use that question now, but you get the idea. And at the end of this show I'll have a panel of judges, like Paula and maybe LaToya and one, or both, of the two Corys, award points based on the best expressions of anguish, loss or anger (I'm thinking dropping the new SUV on top of the house for NOT knowing which English First Division football team's nickname is 'The Hammers' should kick start the tear ducts and the ratings). Especially if I have the demi-celebrities from the first half hour make up the questions (and the answers), with the understanding they don't have to be correct or even match.

I hope Adam has experience in drawing up the big bucks show biz contracts and enough extra wheelbarrows to help me haul the dollars to the bank because I smell payday! You'll watch, right? There you go, that makes two of us which is two more than I had when I started writing. I'm thinking we could have, for the premiere episode, someone dressed up like a giant turnip hosting from Canoga Park, California. Ka-ching is the thing and the bling will sing. Get Simon and Randy on the blower and tell Ryan to go soak his head.
-bill kenny